This excerpt from Explorer's website is timely: my 3 1/2 year old niece is visiting and she is a bundle of energy and, in my opinion, frustration. On the one hand she is sweet, creative, and enthusiastic. On the other, aggressive, bossy, and, frankly, violent. I wonder how much of this is her genuine personality and how much is derived from the adults in her life who follow the "because-I-said-so" and "you'll get a spanking if" parenting style and, despite best intentions, can be inconsistent role models. One moment her bossiness is entertaining the adults, the next she's getting punished for having attitude. Now her play fighting is funny, now she's in trouble for being mean. I look at the chart about "Why Punishment Fails"and can agree with Alfie Kohn's points: I see my niece get angry; I see her mimic the power play; I see her feel hurt that her allies turn against her; I see her focus on avoiding getting caught rather than understanding the effects of her behaviors; I see her care deeply for others' well being but then do something self-serving anyway; and, I most definitely wonder about how this power dynamic is going to work as she continues to get older. What punishments will motivate her if she is not learning to be self-monitoring?
I was particularly struck by the Second Step program, because I think both my in-laws and my neice could benefit from a structured system of problem solving:
Second Step Problem Solving Strategy (as used at Explorer):
- Calm yourself-take 5 deep breaths
- Identify the problem
- Develop solutions to the problem
- Questions about the solutions include:
- Is it safe?
- Is it fair?
- Will it work?
- Choose a solution
- Evaluate the effectiveness of the solution
- Choose another if necessary
My niece is 3 1/2, not kindergarden age. Surely, however, the principles of Explorer would benefit her already. I wish I knew a way to pause her childhood long enough for her family to immerse themselves in the kind of environment that Explorer strives to create. This level of care and intentionalism is not quickly developed by adults or children, but built over time.
Beyond my family life, as a teacher I think of the many other children being raised similarly. As a middle school teacher, I wonder how different our students would be if they (and their families) had experienced an Explorer-inspired elementary. While I strive to develop many of these strategies and principles into my own classroom, how different might my school be if we continued to support the emotional and communication intelligence of our students? As part of my efforts to include student voice, I am involving students in self-grading their academic work: we co-authored descriptors for good note-taking and looked at several samples. Now that we have done our first day of notes, my take-away from the Explorer article is to allow room for them to reflect upon what went well, why it worked, and how they would like to do better as we continue. As for my niece, I'm off to the Second Step website to see how I can offer support to my family....
As a parent of a 7 year old and a 3 1/2 year old myself, I've often used unconditional parenting and the thoughts of Alfie Kohn at home with my kids. My daughter actually goes to school at Explorer so she's been immersed in the social emotional curriculum as well for 3 years now. I agree with many things that Kohn says, and I pick and choose based on the reactions of my children. 3 1/2 is a hard age, more so for my son than my daughter. But the good news is that social emotional curriculum doesn't have to start at age 3 to be successful. There's still hope for your niece! I've seen a big difference in my daughter over the past 3 years in her emotional development. She was also very bossy at age 3. But she's not nearly as much anymore. There's something to be said for what they're doing at Explorer, and I think it's even more important to focus on that type of development during school since they spend so much time there in comparison to at home with the parents.
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